Couple
Separation Crises - Do's And Don'ts'
Sometimes
it happens
to us that we are being divorced or want a divorce. In response to this
reality, Strephon Kaplan-Williams gives us a series of precepts as
guidance in
processing a separation situation. Having a realistic perspective on
love
separations can make all the difference in how we further love in life.
This
article is good for ourselves and for friends we know going through a
relating
crisis. From studying this list you can make your own list for handling
a love
crisis. Or simply take this list and discuss it with a partner or
friend for
insights into your reality. Dear Concerned, As the professional that I
am
supposed to be, you cannot get an answer from me whether to divorce or
not?
Yet, you have stated your issues very clearly. So I give some
observations,
which I offer in general from experience in working with myself and
others, and
many couples. List - Handling Couple Crises And Separations - Do's
And
Don'ts' ·
First
almost on this list is the realization that we as humans
prefer the happy times and dynamics of intimate relating, yet there
comes a
time where a relationship falls into suffering. Suffering is the
emotional
effect of human bonding going through a stretching and breakup process.
Just as
we unite for wholeness and unity, so do we also separate for
differentiation of
ourselves from others, so that we may the more find our true selves,
and
prepare for new unity experiences that may come our way. ·
Separate
out from unconsciousness within in order to build new
unities of strength and being within, from which to reenter the outer
world of
relating, bonding and cooperative achievement. ·
Inner
is prior to outer. Even with outer relating, always look
for and deal with inner dynamics being evoked. ·
Talk
more about yourself and what you are experiencing, rather
than defining your own reactions and actions in terms of the other
person. Why?
Less confusing and more respectful to talk in terms of yourself. No one
is to
blame. Talk about yourself and let the other person talk about
themselves.
Don't attack. ·
Couples
should be honest and realistic about relating. This
means don't play games. Don't relate to anyone you don't want to relate
to. ·
If
a relationship takes more energy than it gives, why stay in
the relationship? Relationships are for enhancing and building the life
force
together. We should gain more value and energy than we give in having a
love
relationship. ·
Divorcing
or separating seems like a big deal at the time but in
terms of reality and change, humans do it all the time. ·
The
choice to divorce or stay with someone should be made by the
individual. The individual is one hundred percent responsible for their
own
lives. Couples do not make decisions. Individuals do. ·
We
have one life to live. No one else is responsible for us. We
make our own decisions and take the consequences. This is reality. This
is
life. ·
Don't
love somebody because they need your love. This simply
does not work in reality. Love because you feel the desire to love.
Love comes
from yourself, not because of the other person. ·
Don't
manipulate to try and get love. Don't respond to another
person's manipulation to try and get you to love them. ·
Present
love is not an obligation to love someone based on the
past. What we each gain from loving someone must be in the satisfaction
and
sharing of that moment. You cannot defer to the future reward for
present
action. ·
We
owe no one for what they have done for us in the past. Why?
Because we live one hundred percent in the present moment. The present
moment
is who we are now and what we are now. If a relationship is not working
now to
our satisfaction, for whatever reason, then it is not working for us.
Make the
decision to either create a crisis and challenge in the relationship,
or simply
end it. ·
We
choose to love, for whatever reasons. If we don't choose to
love someone, then don't fake it. Let the person know the truth that we
are
unwilling or unable to love that person. ·
Reality
is healing. No matter how much we fear another person
will suffer it is our responsibility to let them know the truth of our
perception of them and our ability to currently love or not love them.
Thus,
give the other person your perception of yourself first and stay with
that. ·
Reality
is healing. If you don't love someone, tell them, and
let them and you get on with your lives. ·
One
usually chooses for both in a relationship. If you are
certain about what you should really choose because of your own
feelings and
values, then choose what is right for you and take the consequences. ·
There
are always consequences for every choice. When we choose
regarding another person we also are choosing for them to handle their
own
consequences for the choices we make, just as we have to handle the
consequences from others for the choices we make. ·
Learn
to choose strongly in life following inner guidance. When
you know a truth for yourself and life, follow it, act upon it. This
will
change your life and make you a strong, inner-directed person. ·
Act
when the moment is ripe. ·
When
possible, rededicate to the present relationship, or end
it, based on what you already know and experience about it for
yourself. While
humans often use falling in love with someone else to end the
relationship with
the present partner, this usually clouds the issue. Make yourself
single first
before seeking to love another. Then you will be dealing with only your
present
partner and relationship. ·
If
you find that it takes falling in love with someone else to
end the present relationship, then face the following: Are you using
the new
person to make yourself strong enough to end the relationship with your
present
partner? If so, make sure you are clear on why the present partner
relationship
is not working and cannot work for you. ·
If
you are using falling in love with a new person to end the
relationship with your present partner, make sure you have talked about
this
issue with your new love partner so that you are both dealing with the
issue
realistically. ·
The
basis for relating to some one is that the relationship is
mutually beneficial to both of you in an ongoing way. Use the
relationship
crisis to face honestly and thoroughly what you have and need in loving
relating,
as well as what you don't have. Keep clearing up love and life issues
with
anyone you are relating to. Don't let them pile up. ·
Don't
live in fear. It takes courage to truly love. Live in fear
and you are already dead. ·
Consider
keeping relating to both your new lover and your
present lover, but be open about both, so that the three of you are
under the
fierce challenge of being rivals to each other. This kind of testing
will break
each of you down to your core levels of being, and show the real values
that
each of you live by. ·
Keep
relating to both love persons to the extent that each and
all of you have your say about what is being evoked in the love
relating. Yet,
don't try and help or make it easy for anyone else involved with you.
Let them
handle themselves as best they can. You must stay focused on your own
values
and desires in the situation. ·
Risk
all in the relating happening during a love crisis. Risk
giving up, or having taken from you, the possibility of relating to one
or
either of your current lovers. Be able and ready to have a lean period
yourself
in which you relate to nobody but yourself as you get your new life
together. ·
Recognize
that building your new life at the present stage of
living might mean that you are changing and now must focus all or most
of your
energy on yourself and not on a relationship with another person. Make
this
clear to each person who wants to relate to you that you need your
time, energy
and space for yourself right now, and not for deep relating with
another person. ·
You
have a right to your own life. You have a right to your own
decisions. You have a right to your own desires for fulfillment in
life. You
have a right to live in whatever way reality lets you live. Affirm this
right
for yourself. Don't resist these rights also for the other person. ·
Don't
live your life anymore for taking care of another person.
You live and die alone. You alone can can your life yourself. You need
your
primary energy and love for yourself, not for taking care of another
person.
This is reality. ·
Affirm
your right to love and relate to whomever you choose is
right for you according to your own desires and values and life stage. ·
Don't
condemn others for not being right for you. No one needs
to be made bad by you so that you can justify to yourself and them your
own
decision to no longer relate to them. ·
Don't
make somebody else wrong so you can feel right about your
decisions. Choice is the one absolute. There is no right and wrong
choice.
There are only choices and their consequences. You make your own
choices in
life and live with the consequences. ·
Be
a bit careful, yet be honest, in how you tell a love partner
that you don't choose to relate to them anymore. Don't make them bad.
Put your
reasons in terms of differences and choices. You don't have to justify
yourself
to anyone. ·
Talk
in terms of choices, rather than reasons. Reasons do not
justify choices. Outcomes only justify choices. ·
There
are ultimately no reasons why people separate or stay
together. Reasons why do not justify anything, or make a choice right
or wrong. ·
People
either relate to each other in the present or they do
not. Make this reality position clear to yourself and others. Deal with
what is
happening a lot more than with what is not happening. ·
If
the meal does not feed you, get up from the table and find
another. ·
You
don't have to justify yourself and your actions to anyone
else. No one else can be you, can be in your shoes. Even though they
may judge
you, talk about you, no one else can live what you are going through or
know
your situation as you experience it. ·
Thus,
all stories and opinions about you are false. Don't
believe a word anyone else says. You must learn to believe in yourself.
The
more you have integrity and are real about how you live your own life,
the more
you will believe in yourself and live your life powerfully from your
own core
values. ·
No
one can make your choices for you or suffer the consequences
of your actions. You alone make your own choices in life. Accept that
and
choose for what fits you in life the best. ·
When
the separation crisis happens, some couples do divorce and
never relate again. They either cannot deal with their issues, or one
or both
just gives up on the relationship, for whatever reason, justified or
not. ·
Recognize
that the suffering of separation is partially the
realization in oneself, and the other, that that part of life you both
lived
together is over. This is a partial death. Part of your life is dead.
This
creates grief. Honor it but also make new choices for new life. ·
Other
couples clear the air of past repressed feelings and
issues, and choose to go on relating, but with much more honest and
real
relating. ·
These
couples who choose to stay together often do appreciate
each other in real terms. Also, both of a couple that stay together are
willing
to make changes in themselves and their attitudes and behavior so that
they can
relate better in fulfilling themselves and the other person. ·
Change
is in the air. Change is the spice of life. Development
is destiny. ·
If
you have strong dreams about your present relationship, as
well as future relating, even though everything in the dreams may not
be true,
or the same, as in outer life, take seriously the issues the dreams
indicate.
Dreams do not give answers, but they sure often raise the right
questions. ·
We
often dream of what we do not have in outer life that would
fulfill us. ·
Do
we follow our dreams or not? The core question is, do we
follow superior guidance in life to what may be the personal,
egocentric
desires of ourselves or another? What we live by is what we live and
die by.
The guidance we follow needs to be realistic, of direct experience, and
purposeful, that it fits our values and what we want to do with our
lives, and
destiny, that the guidance really fits us down to our core selves. ·
Remember
that in a separation or crisis process in relating, we
cannot any of us know the future. To ground things, act now to
problem-solve
present difficulties. Deal with what is happening now and the future
will take
care of itself. ·
You
cannot know what kind of a relationship you will have with a
certain person in the future. Have the most conscious and real
relationship
possible in the present with a person. Bring the relationship into
direct
experience, if important enough to you, and from that see what you two
are to
do together. ·
We
do not live in the past. The past is dead. We do not live in
the future. The future is just potential. We live now through choice
and
circumstance. Live now consciously and the future will take care of
itself.
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