Divorce to
Remarriage - How Do I Make Time For Everything That Needs To Be Done?
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Divorce to
Remarriage - How Do I Make Time For Everything That Needs To Be Done? |
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Divorce to
Remarriage - How Do I Make Time For Everything That Needs To Be Done? Divorce
brings chaos
into everybody's lives. What was, is no longer. Even if the marriage
wasn't
good, life was probably pretty predictable. With a divorce much change
and
unpredictability are inevitable. After time passes though, you should
have been
able to create a new life for you and your children. That equilibrium
of
regularity was reached again. But wait!! Now you're thinking about
remarrying.
One thing I can guarantee you is that life's about to change again. It's
going to be
important for you and your partner to figure out how you're going to
merge your
ways of life to create a new life together. Even though we like to
think we're
spontaneous, most people thrive from having some type of regularity and
schedule in place. That doesn't mean your life is boring, it just adds
a little
predictability. With all the changes that a new marriage brings, how
can you
begin to develop some type of schedule now? 1.
What's important
to you? - As a couple, talk about what's important to you
individually.
Being up front with one another about activities that are important to
you and
require time is essential. An
example of this,
is a couple I was coaching. During the time they dated, they spent most
weekends together. The new wife assumed this was how things would be
after they
were married. She was completely blindsided to find out that her new
husband
was a football fanatic and sat in front of the TV cheering any team
that was
playing, all weekend long. This obviously caused some problems for
them. He'd
never shared how important football was or his desire to spend time
watching
it. Even
if your
interests are not this extreme, it's important that you have some
"me" time to recharge. Begin talking now about how you can fit this
in with all the other responsibilities that will be present. 2.
What about the
kids?
- When we're dating and falling in love, there isn't much of an
emphasis on
including the kids in the relationship. Once the decision to marry
occurs, this
needs to switch. As a couple, you should be talking about activities
you
regularly engage in with the kids. I'm not just talking about those
things you
shuttle them back and forth to. I'm talking more about those rituals
you have
developed with your kids. Those things that helped all of you deal with
the
chaos after the divorce that created your "new" family. You
may not be able
to continue ALL of those activities, but you will need to keep
some in
place so that life continues to feel normal to your kids after you
marry.
You'll need to figure out how you're going to be able to fit those in
so they
don't fall by the wayside. 3.
When is the
romance?
- You are a new couple in love. You're thinking about merging
your lives together. Never lose sight of the romantic relationship.
Yes, your
children are important and successfully combining your families is
critical.
But...if you neglect your relationship, and it falls apart, then there
is no
family. As
ironic as it may
seem, this is the area that couples struggle with the most. So much
emphasis is
spent on the romantic relationship early in the dating relationship,
allowing
you to "fall in love", that a lot of people back way off from this
once married in order to focus on the family more. Don't lose sight of
your
partner and their needs. 4.
How about outside
pressure?
- None of us live in a vacuum. You're going to have other
people vying for your attention as well. This group of people can
include:
work, friends, and relatives. It's going to be important for you to
balance
these well. Too
many people make
the horrible mistake of "forgetting" about these important people
once their in a new relationship. If you've done that, I suggest you
fix that
as soon as possible. These should be people who encourage you and also
hold you
accountable. You need those relationships to keep you grounded during
this
"in love" phase when we don't always see things very realistically. These
are people who
love you and have known you for a long time. They have your best
interests at
heart and need to be included in your life on a regular basis. Whew!
Sounds like a
lot doesn't it? The honest truth is that it is. Remarriage is a great
exercise
in balance. There are many more people and relationships that need to
effectively be balanced than there were in a first marriage. Begin
planning how
you're going to be able to do this, now! Don't
just wait and
see how you'll fit it in. That can be overwhelming with everything else
being
thrown at you as a newlywed. Relationships will suffer without this
pre-planning. Unfortunately, the one most likely to suffer is the one
that
brought all of this together - your partner.
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