Divorce to
Remarriage - Are You Stuck or Moving Forward?
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Divorce to
Remarriage - Are You Stuck or Moving Forward? |
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Divorce to
Remarriage - Are You Stuck or Moving Forward? One
of the most
important steps that divorced parents can take before getting remarried
is to
let go of the strong emotions from their divorce. These are the
emotions that
hold us prisoners to our thoughts. They keep us focused on what
"was", "what could have been", or "what should have
been". There's little room for "what can be." Moving
past these
emotions, is, of course, a lot easier said than done. Unfortunately,
there's no
magic pill that suddenly makes you feel better. It's the "going
through" that helps us to grow. This month, I'd like to take a look at
three of the most common feelings experienced by divorced parents and
discuss
why it's important to put those to rest. Sadness Sadness
comes from
many situations in a divorce. It can be when you realize that the hopes
and
dreams you had for the future with your spouse have died. For some
people this
sadness comes while they're still in the marriage and realize it's
dying.
Sadness occurs during the divorce when everyone is forced to
acknowledge the fact
that the marriage is ending. After the divorce, it's usually brought on
by
trying to help the children deal with the changes in their lives as
well as
grieving the loss of the family you had. What's
the problem
with being sad?
Once again, the problem lies in the amount of time and also the
intensity. Adults deal with grief most strongly at the point when the
incident
occurs. We have ups and downs, but usually are on a healing path as
time moves
forward. If we just continue to fall deeper and deeper into sadness,
depression
may strike - effecting every area of our lives. Depression
prevents
us from being there emotionally for our children. The sadness also puts
you at
risk for isolating yourself at a time when you may really need
supports.
Friends may try to encourage you to go out and have fun, but you
refuse. This
only escalates your feelings of sadness because you are alone. Loneliness Adjusting
to being
alone after marriage is a hard task. We become used to having another
adult in
the house even if they weren't especially helpful. There's a comfort
level to
knowing somebody else is there. That's gone once the spouse moves out
during
the divorce. You are left alone with the children. Then when the kids
are
spending time with your ex-spouse, that leaves you ALONE. What's
the problem
with being lonely?
Loneliness can be especially dangerous for a newly divorced
parent. This is the driving force behind people rushing into a new
relationship. It can be uncomfortable to sit at home by yourself on a
weekend
while the kids are with your ex. It can be hard going every night to an
empty
bed. While
hard, this is
a HUGE predictor in remarriage success or failure. People who rush into
a new
relationship due to fears of being alone aren't very choosy. They also
haven't
taken a good look at themselves to see what went wrong in their
marriage. Both
of those factors combined create an ideal situation for ending up in a
relationship with someone very much like your ex-spouse. On the surface
they
make look like the complete opposite, but deep down, they're probably
very
similar. Anger This
is usually the
one that people are willing to talk about. I don't know too many people
who've
gone through a divorce and smiled about it throughout the whole
process. There
are countless reasons why anger comes up no matter who initiated the
divorce. After
the divorce,
anger can continue to infiltrate your life. You may be upset about your
ex-spouse's relationship with your children. You may be angry about
your
changed financial situation. You might also be infuriated with the
changes that
you've had to deal with in your life as a result of the divorce. What's
the problem
with being angry?
The short answer is "nothing." Everyone's entitled to
be upset. Divorce is a major, life changing event. We don't usually
like too
much change at once. The problem is when the level of anger you feel
stays the
same or intensifies over time. You
know the saying,
"Time heals all wounds"? Well, there's a lot of truth to that. If
you're not "healing" then you're getting stuck. That anger won't
allow you to be the parent you need to be. It also won't allow you to
be the
partner you need to be in future relationships. While
each of these
emotions are very normal and to be expected - it's all up to you and
how you
handle them in deciding if you're moving toward a place of growth or a
place of
repeating the past. None of these emotions are comfortable and it can
be hard
for us to admit that we even experience them. But, trying to ignore
them by
jumping into a new relationship in hopes of skipping over them just
doesn't
work. What you'll end up with is another broken heart and possibly
another
broken marriage.
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