Recovery
from
divorce is bathed in ambivalence. We wish it weren't so. We assume we
will shed
the past, much like a snake sheds its skin, and get on with our life
after
divorce without looking back. However, it just doesn't work that way. A
judge's
signature on a piece of paper does not make our hopes and dreams for
what we
wanted our marriage to be simply disappear in a sudden "poof" like
blowing on a dandelion. Ambivalence is our hopes and dreams telling
us that
they still want to come true.
Everyone
Has Uneasy
Feelings about Ambivalence
We all experience ambivalence at one time or another. Sometimes we feel
embarrassed or ashamed when we feel ambivalent. Often we are confused
when
positive thoughts about our marriage creep in even though we know it
was in our
own best interests to end it. This is normal. It is OK to feel this
ambivalence. Everyone has it to one degree or another.
Everyone
Has
Reconciliation Fantasies
We experience ambivalence in our reconciliation fantasies. Even when we
wanted
the divorce and are looking forward to getting on with our life without
our ex,
we still have bouts of ambivalence. We hear the tape recorder in our
head say
such things as, "Did I do the right thing?" "What if we got back
together, would things be different? Would they be better?" "Wouldn't
our kids be better off if we reconciled?"
Every
Marriage
Creates Both Good and Bad Memories
No marriage is 100% bad. No marriage is 100% good. There were good
times and
there were bad times. There were positive things that initially
attracted you
to each other. Even though there were the bad times that led to
divorce, you
also created some good memories. We like to remember the good times. It
reassures us we made a good decision to marry in the first place. This
is good.
These good memories often surface as ambivalence.
Every
Hope and Dream
Lives on in the Picture Album in Our Head
The day you first felt that "special something" with your ex, you
started a picture album in your head in which you began collecting
pictures of
your hopes and dreams for the relationship. Just because the
marriage
ended does not mean your hopes and dreams evaporated. They didn't. They
still
live on in your head. They revisit you as ambivalence about getting
divorced.
We
tell ourselves,
"I don't want to lose my hopes and dreams! Maybe I should try to
reconcile." This is normal. This is painful. And here is the best part:
This is unnecessary because you only lost a spouse. You did not
lose your
hopes and dreams. They did not go anywhere. You still have them. You
can still
work to realize them. This is a good thing. The only difference is the
person
with whom you assumed you would achieve them will not be there.
If you
choose, you can find someone else whom you love and who loves you to
help make
your hopes and dreams come true.
Such
is the
wonderful promise of a successful recovery from divorce.
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To
learn more about the divorce recovery process and how you can speed up
your return to a "normal" life, you are invited to visit http://www.SmoothDivorceRecovery.com
To get a free assessment of your Divorce Recovery Stress Level you are
invited to visit http://www.smoothdivorcerecovery.com/stress/index.htm
I help divorced clients return to the mainstream of life with renewed
hope, unfettered by the chains of anger, resentment, and shame that
accompany divorce.
My
name is Jerald Young. I am a transition consultant and divorce recovery
coach and I wish you the very best in making a smooth recovery from
divorce.
Article
Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Jerald_Young
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