Adultery in the California Divorce

CHEATING VERSUS FALLING OFF THE WAGON

The first thing to consider is whether your spouse is an habitual cheat, or if this is a one-time occurrence that will never happen again. And there is a big difference, though it may not feel like it at the time.

Maria's Story

"I never meant for this to happen. I love my husband. He's stationed in Korea right now. He's been there about 8 months. I guess I was just lonely. He left me here in this town where I hardly know anyone and I guess I just didn't know how hard it was going to be.

Anyway, my husband's best friend is stationed here, too. He started calling me up to check on me. He said he just wanted to be sure that I was okay. And pretty soon he started calling almost every night. I have to admit, I was glad to have someone to talk to. And it felt . . . safe, you know? I mean, he's my husband's best friend.

Well, we went out to see a couple of movies together. Not like a date or anything. It was just, he wasn't seeing anyone and I'm married, so it was like a couple of friends who were just spending some time together. And then he started dropping by in the evenings, instead of calling, and sometimes we'd have a couple of glasses of wine and watch t.v. I mean, I even told my husband about it and he was glad someone was watching out for me.

Then the other night we had more than a couple of glasses of wine. I got pretty drunk. I hardly remember it, it just seems like a blur. And I woke up in bed with him the next morning. I'm so ashamed. God, what am I going to do? I have to tell my husband; we've always been honest with each other."

In Maria's case, the attorney was able to convince her to go to a marriage counselor and talk it over before she made any drastic decisions. With the help of the marriage counselor, Maria concluded that confessing to her husband was not a wise decision. That she had made a mistake based on loneliness and depression and that it would never happen again.

Usually there are several elements present when a spouse has a one-time affair. First, there is a husband or wife who is absent in some sense. Sometimes they're in the military and they're stationed overseas. Sometimes they're long distance truck drivers. Sometimes they're just working two jobs to try to pay the bills and they're exhausted when they get home.

Second, there is the other spouse who is lonely, depressed, feeling neglected. They're often in a state of emotional starvation, desperately needing companionship, reinforcement, and feedback from another adult.

Third, there's the, "friend," who's, "concerned." He or she starts dropping by, calling, or emailing to be sure that the lonely spouse is okay. He or she gradually builds higher levels of trust and emotional intimacy, until they're spending quite a lot of time together.

Finally, there's something that suddenly lowers the inhibitions of the lonely spouse. Most commonly that something is alcohol, but it can also be the result of a sudden increase in loneliness or depression. Put all of those elements together and you've got a classic scenario for falling off of the marital wagon.

But there's another element we need to talk about here: guilt. With people who truly love their spouses and made a mistake, there is tremendous guilt and regret afterwards. They feel that they've betrayed the most important person in their lives and they hate it.

Now let's talk about a whole different critter: the habitual cheat.

Kathy's Story

"The most important thing in my life is my religion. My relationship with Jesus Christ. It's always been that way. So you understand when I got married I never saw myself sitting in lawyers' office someday talking about a divorce.

Bob first started cheating on me about two years ago. It wasn't one of those lip stick on the collar things, I just knew. I think if you really love someone, you always know. Something just felt wrong in my heart. I kept praying over it and wondering what was wrong. He didn't want to be with me anymore, it seemed like. He didn't kiss me or hold me at night.

I talked with one of my girl friends about it and she said,'Well, sometimes you just have to spice things up a little to keep a mans' attention.' So I bought lingerie and I tried to have romantic dinners with candle light. And it just didn't get any better. I just felt like he didn't want me anymore, and I didn't know what to do.

Then the woman he was cheating with called up one night. Drunk. She told me all about it. Told me it had been going on for months. It broke my heart.

When I confronted him about it, he swore up and down it wasn't true. Said I was foolish to believe such a thing from a drunken woman on the phone. I didn't believe him, though. I was all set to leave him. I mean I had my bags packed. Then he talked me into going to see our Pastor. He finally broke down in front of the Pastor and admitted he'd been cheating on me. He broke down and cried and said he'd never do it again and begged for my forgiveness. Well, the Pastor said I should take him back, so I did.

Then six months later I went out to the driveway and one of my tires was flat. I knew he always kept a can of that fix-a-flat stuff in the trunk of his car, so I went to look for it. There was this box of letters and pictures of that other woman naked. He never had stopped seeing her. He just kept on lying and cheating.

When someone is a real cheater, they're rarely ashamed of what they're doing. Instead, it stimulates them. They find it exciting, like they're living on the edge and getting away with it. They may say that that they love you, but their behavior says different. The person who falls off of the wagon may be a victim of impulse or lowered inhibitions. The cheater is cold and calculating and his/her actions are premeditated. They plan how to commit adultery and they plan how to lie to you to convince you that they aren't cheating.

One of the worst thing about a real cheater, is that he/she won't hesitate a second to destroy your self-image, your feelings of self-worth, even your very sense of reality. If they've stopped making love to you because they're worn out from their affair, they make you think that it's your fault. That you're not being romantic enough, or you're not as attractive as you ought to be.

And, as Kathy said, when two people have lived together for a while they KNOW if an affair is going on. They may not know it in the sense of having evidence, but they know in their hearts and their minds that something's not right. When you feel it that strongly and the other person keeps telling you that you're imagining things, you begin to wonder if you're losing your mind. Are you being paranoid or delusional or is your gut feeling right on? The cheater doesn't care if you sit there and slowly go crazy, as long as he/she doesn't get caught.

SAVING THE MARRIAGE: TO TRY OR NOT

If you are convinced that your spouse just fell off of the wagon and that it will never happen again, there's still at least a chance of saving your marriage. Even then, it can be a chancy business. It's a little hard to stay centered when you keep picturing your wife or husband in the arms of someone else. So, again, you have to make that assessment. How much do you want your marriage to stay together? Are you still in love with each other? Can you actually find that forgiveness in your heart to get over the adultery, or will it always be in the back of your mind and on the tip of your tongue? Are you willing to get some marriage counseling to work through those issues if you're having trouble with them?

If you've got a cheater in your bed, a through and through repeat adulterer, then you're probably not going to be able to change that. These are people who are liars, manipulators, and hypocrites. If you still want to stay with a lying, manipulative hypocrite, you might want to get some therapy yourself and find out why.

FILING FOR DIVORCE: ADULTERY AS A GROUNDS

If you decide that you can't save your marriage, you still won't be using adultery as the grounds. California invented the no-fault divorce, which means that you just say that you're incompatible. You don't have to say that the other person has done anything wrong and - most importantly - you don't have to prove anything in court. No high priced lawyers and no expensive trials

In other words, 99 per cent of the time, no fault is the way to go, whether your spouse has committed adultery or not. What about the other 1 per cent?

You would want to allege adultery if there was something to be gained from it. If you were looking to get a larger division of the community property, if you were involved in a custody fight, if you wanted to get a higher amount of alimony, in those cases you might consider it. If you can prove that you've been a good and faithful spouse who has tried to keep the marriage together, and that your spouse destroyed it because he/she couldn't keep his/her pants on, it might make sense.

Unfortunately, most people who want to allege adultery do so because they're hurt or they're angry. If that's your sole motivation, then it's DUMB. It just means that the person who cheated on you is going to cost you more money and more time. One attorney estimates that in some parts of California it can take up to 2 years to get a contested case onto the court docket. Why stay married to someone for that long when you can get it over with in six months?

So, once again, assess things carefully before you drag adultery into your divorce proceedings. Weigh the time, the money, and the pain, and make sure it's worth it. If not, just use the no-fault grounds.